Issue 1 Downtime

Nailah knocks on the door and steps into Croyd's office for her next appointment.

Croyd's fiendish appearance had been replaced by his normal appearance.

"Make yourself comfortable Professor Weaver," Croyd said, "Before we begin would you like something to drink?"

"Goddess yes, though I'm afraid you just mean coffee."

"I also have tea, soda, water, and juice," Croyd smiled softly. "I'm afraid my liquor cabinet is quite empty."

"I'll take a coffee, thanks." she says, sitting down.

Croyd poured Nailah a cup of coffee which he placed in front of her. He also slid a small bowl in front of her which contained packets of creamer and sugar.

"How have you been, Nailah?" Croyed asked gently as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

"Not exactly great. I've... come to question the tentative peace I've made with what happened in that other place."

"What is disturbing that tentative peace?" Croyd asked.

She hesitates a moment.

Oh like he could think you are any crazier.

"I... killed a fallen servant of Ma'at by ripping out her soul and now I can... feel her."

If Croyd thought anything about this news it didn't really show.

"Feel her?" Croyd asked.

"Her... memories, her soul. I call it her Ba. I'm supposed to redeem her, bring her back into the light."

"And in trying to redeem you've come to question you own tentative peace?" Croyd asked.

"Well... I've only begun to understand her and what happened to her but... it strikes a little too close to home. She still thinks she did nothing wrong."

"I can see how you might connect her story with yours," Croyd said, "So it's making you rethink what happened while you were in the other universe?"

"It made me wonder how much I'm deluding myself about just doing what I had to do and thinking it wasn't that bad. And I'm terrified that I might."

"Rudra... That's her name... I didn't hesitate even a second to do what I did. I reached out to places no one ever should and it was much to easy..."

Nailah Weaver wrote:"It made me wonder how much I'm deluding myself about just doing what I had to do and thinking it wasn't that bad. And I'm terrified that I might."

"Rudra... That's her name... I didn't hesitate even a second to do what I did. I reached out to places no one ever should and it was much to easy..."

"How did Rudra come to her decision?" Croyd asked.

"Pride. And trying to break out from an awful situation. And that just... I know how that feels. Like everything is out of your control, like you need to do something but you can't change what's happening and anything that offers the smallest ray of light seems worth it. And not just that, it seems right."

Nailah Weaver wrote:"Pride. And trying to break out from an awful situation. And that just... I know how that feels. Like everything is out of your control, like you need to do something but you can't change what's happening and anything that offers the smallest ray of light seems worth it. And not just that, it seems right."

"Lets talk about how you made your decisions while you were trapped in the other universe," Croyd said, "And where you're having problems trying to make peace with them."

"How? By trying to survive at first. I pretty much focused on that, make it until I'm rescued. Of course that never happened until much later so I started to try and settle in. But over there you don't do that unless you want to become a victim. Not to mention that constant fear is not a perspective and when the fact that I wasn't going to be rescued became more and more obvious I set out to at least carve out a little bit of comfort and influence." she says and takes a sip of coffee just as an excuse to stop talking for a moment and calm herself down.

"Of course that came at a price, but I had to take control of something. And besides, they all deserved it, right? It's hard to throw a stone and not hit someone guilty in that place. But now I watched someone slaughter innocents out of discomfort, pride and the misguided idea that they deserved it. I can't help but wonder if I didn't blind myself to what I did too."

"Think about the decisions you made then," Croyd said, "You watched somebody reason out how they made their decisions. Think about the decisions and the assumptions you made while you were in that place. Why did you think the way you did? For each decision think hard about the why."

"They all seem sound to me. I'm not exactly proud of them but they make sense to me. They made sense to her too though. She didn't make excuses for slaughtering innocents, she saw people who deserved it and needed to be judged. The same way I feel about that place. I just... I know I'm being paranoid but what if I'm not? She fell so far without noticing, what if I really am stepping on that same slope?"

"Have you considered that you aren't just looking to redeem Ruda, but also yourself?" Croyd asked.

"That makes you the third person to mention that now, though I'll have to say you're much less subtle about it. But yes, I mean this is obviously a lesson for me too, it just feels... overwhelming, I suppose."

"Redemption isn't something I will be able to offer you, Nailah," Croyd said, "I can help you try to understand and come to terms with what you experienced and how you continue to process it."

"You said there's a lesson here. What do you think that lesson is?"

"Humility. And a bit of a warning, I think. And you may not be able to offer it but I think I'm being told in no unclear terms that there is redemption for everyone, even someone who fell further than me... And... that... maybe I need to give it to someone to learn how to forgive myself..."

"You think you don't deserve forgiveness?" Croyd asked.

"I don't know. On some level I want to think I don't need to be forgiven for anything..."

"Then why do you think there is a conflict between the two desires?" Croyd asked.

"Well if I didn't do anything wrong then... well then I don't need to face the fact that I may not deserve to be forgiven for it."

"And do you want to avoid the idea?" Croyd asked.

"It just seems so much easier..."

"What have you gained from avoiding it?" Croyd asked.

"I survived, made it home and Sam took me back..."

"And those things happened only because you avoided it?" Croyd asked.

"I couldn't have stood up to Harbinger. Couldn't even have faced her. I couldn't afford to be weak and I had to accept the consequences..."

"So you took the only course available to you and now you're wondering if that was the right one," Croyd said.

"I don't even have that because I know what would have happened if I didn't..." she shudders.

"Then you know that you took the only course available to you," Croyd said, "Any other course would have been disastrous, so why does that choice bother you?"

"I don't know. It didn't. It shouldn't."

"Do you think that Rudra had other options available to her?" Croyd asked.